Senior Recital.

(Wrote this on Saturday, March 31)
Just sitting here reflecting for the first time since Wednesday night.  For some reason I've been stuck in an out of body experience for the last 3 days, and even after wearing waterproof mascara in preparation for being emotional I felt nothing but adrenaline all night and a remaining high for the last 2 days of school before break.
Then all day today (Saturday) I was a worthless lump, finally crying looking back at the utter miracle Wednesday night was. Mascara wasn't waterproof.

Last week was scary and stressful for me, as I battled a really painful sickness/mystery issue in my throat, switching from losing my voice to coughing from deep in my lungs to not being able to breathe out my nose, and I can pinpoint the turnaround: it was the moment I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and take control by praying.  Everything changed and from that next morning on, I had a weird peace that even tripped me out.  As days went on and the sickness eased up with each 8-hour night's sleep, I covered every aspect of that recital in prayer.  When the day came, I hadn't sang for a week, but was healthy, and was inundated with texts from people asking me, "How ya feelin... you ok?  Need anything?  You holding up?" It got to the point where I wondered if I was missing something and should be freaking out!  Did I need to take this more seriously? No, I was pretty sure I understood the gravity of a senior recital and the fact that mine was twice as long as normal, but despite the running around I had to do that day to prepare, I was calm!  I even remember saying "I feel fine! I don't understand why, but I do!"

  Something that my recital revealed to me was that whenever I have performed, I haven't gone into it with an intention to enjoy it.  I've entered with dread, leaving with relief.  It was always ruled by fear.  Yet part of me knew that no one had seen what I was capable of in voice lessons with just my teacher and myself, or at the piano in my private practice time.  When would I get a chance to truly share my work and abilities quite like this ever again?  I couldn't afford to be nervous this time. My piano teacher, Diana, put it in a way that helped my perspective.  She said, "We as performers can't be selfish enough to think it's about us.  It's about sharing with others.  Playing a piano piece is not about how well you play it, it's about how much the audience enjoys it and is inspired by it." "Let me share this piece with you."

  I knew a serious mind shift had to happen. It would require a move on God's part because I can't change that part of me on my own.  Hence all the prayer.
And hence the reason I found myself standing in front of 100 of my closest friends and family completely calm, and actually enjoying the process!  Lo and behold, every prayer down to the last detail was answered!

Yeah, it was totally surreal.  Now I know what it's like to feel 2 inches tall as a crowd full of love stands to its feet in applause just for you.  The thought ruling my mind at that moment was "Who have I become in the last few years?? When the heck did this happen?"  (How I wish I had recorded my first voice lesson in 2007, my first piano lesson, my first class, anything!) In addition, the love and support that radiated from these precious people absolutely rocked. my. world.  Not only was the crowd big, but it was full of people dear to me.  A person can only absorb so much before something cracks and I couldn't comprehend how so many people would come out just for me with such enthusiasm. I was so humbled.  None of it was me. If I had gone in there without God's gracious answer to every single prayer, it would have been a completely different recital. Much more boring. Much more nervous tension as I tried to keep it together and stop my knees from shaking.

There was one moment during that hour that the old me tried to creep back and I panicked, and of course it was during the Bach piece. (Johann! Being brilliant & dead won't stop me from calling you a butt). There have been a small handful of times in my life where I have distinctly heard a thought in my head that was not my own but was God's. It comes completely by surprise and usually hits me hard, leaving a very clear impression. This time when I started to get scared and distracted, (I went to the top of the piece to start over), I heard "I have you. You asked me to." And felt complete peace again. The rest of the piece came back to me and I finished strong, wishing I could cry with relief already.

I keep finding while I'm "growing up" that I magnify these milestones in my head, anticipating them as far-off, unattainable pictures in a frame. A different version of me will experience those far off experiences, I'm always sure, such as my first day of college. College graduation. Senior Recital. A relationship. Graduating college. Marriage. Etc. Yet as things come in their own time and happen the right way, (at least in my life), it's seamless and happens naturally.  I am always ready.  Here I am past the 5-year-anticipated senior recital. (There were times I considered changing my major in an effort to avoid it. Ha! Silly).

The other night when I was mulling over all the anxiety I'd had followed by the inexplicable peace leading up to and during my recital, God said something else: "Grab your Bible. Philippians 4:6-7." I had no idea what the verse would be. I guessed the one that says "Finally brothers..." but no, come to find out, that was verse 8.

6-7:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Well.  There lies my answer.  DUH.